Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Trapped

I hate that I don't love you like I should. 

I hate my job but at least it keeps me away from you. I hate coming home because I know you'll be there. I hate it when you ask me how my day went because I don't know if you genuinely care or just want to hear about what a miserable day I had. I hate that when I look at you, I see nothing because I expect nothing. 

I never put you down as my emergency contact because if I were to die, I would not want you to be the first to know. I hate when you brag about my achievements because you try to take credit for it.

I hate that this feeling is so taboo and frown upon. I hate that other people don't feel this way about you. They love you. They would do anything for you even pack their entire life and move right next to you if you were to move miles away. 

I hate that sometimes I pretend to care about your day but it's only because I feel obligated to ask. I honestly don't care but for a second I hope it cheers you up. I hate that you ask so many questions. I hate that even after I answer, you still doubt me. Your face expression tells me I'm full of it. I hate that you drink a lot and slur your words as you tell me I'm nobody. You did this as recent as a few days ago.

I hate that you never encouraged me to live my life. You chained yourself to me and demanded I take you anywhere I go. You never inspired me to dream big. You called me selfish when I told you I wanted to get my own place. You set out to make everyone believe I was kicking you out. You seemed to forget, I had to beg my sister to take you in when you had no place to go. Two years later, it's probably one of my biggest regrets.

I say this because ever since you moved back, I feel miserable. I hate waking up and knowing you're there. I hate that I don't love you as I should and I hate you for not being allowed to feel this way. My own conscious can't bring itself to hate you. It feels sorry for you. I don't seek your advice because putting myself before you is not the outcome you wish upon me. 

I probably will regret writing this someday but for now I am at peace with it. Despite all this, you are right, I can't leave you behind. Without me you have nothing and that's confirmation that I am doing for you what I wish you would do for me. After all you're the only mother that I have. 

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